Sisters Audrey Findlay, 75, and Barbara Roe, 63; Start with 8am phone calls every day. An hour or so later, they go to work together at Findlay Rowe, the gift shop they opened 12 years ago. (Previously, they worked at the same health care company for 13 years, where Ms. Findlay was general manager and Ms. Roe was payroll manager.)
At 5 or 6 p.m., the sisters leave work and go to their homes—four rooms apart. And after dinner, they reunite for an hour-long walk, easily what their grown children (they have nine) affectionately call their “twin talk.”
“One of us will start a sentence, not finish it, and the other will already answer,” Ms. Findlay said.
The sisters have their arguments, as can be expected from two people who often spend most of their day together. But they are committed to being close to each other and staying there.
“Our father was an orphan, and he felt very strongly about family,” Ms Roe said. “We can have a knock-down, drag-out fight and the next day it’s like: ‘Well, where are we going to have dinner?'”
More than 80 percent of Americans Grow up with at least one sibling, and research suggests these relationships can benefit well into adulthood. A 2019 study One that focused on people in their mid-60s, for example, found that warmth between older siblings can provide a buffer against loneliness and help promote well-being.
While there isn’t much research on how well most adults get along with their siblings, data from the 2015 book “Adult Sibling Relationships,” co-authored by University of Maryland School of Social Work professor Geoffrey Griff, offers some clues. In qualitative interviews with 262 adults, 64 percent said they considered themselves a “good friend” to at least one of their siblings, and 45 percent said they considered at least one of their siblings to be among their best friends.
Yet 70 percent said they had ups and downs with their siblings in their lives, Dr. And 8 percent said they had never been intimate, Grief said in an interview.
“Sibling relationships, like all family relationships, have a certain amount of ambivalence and ambiguity,” Dr. Greif says—an obvious statement, perhaps, but she believes it’s important to remember that siblings don’t set an “impossible standard” for a strong relationship. .
And she and other therapists who focus on family relationships believe it’s possible to strengthen an adult sibling bond, even if you don’t have (or even aspire to) the kind of close bond that Ms. Findlay and Ms. Rowe have. Here are three strategies that can help.
Allow each other to change.
Nicholas Gantt, 40, and his sister Gaybrielle LeAnn, 37, were extremely close as children — Mr. Gantt taught his baby sister to walk and talk, as family lore goes. But in puberty they separate. Ms LeAnn described her brother as a talented singer who was kind and charismatic; He said it created a “natural magnetic field” around him that sometimes made it difficult to find his own voice.
Both attended historically black colleges and universities, or HBCUs, an experience they said taught them the importance of community building — and helped them “recognize our need for each other,” Mr. Gantt said. He and Ms. LeAnn spent their 20s and 30s not only learning about themselves but also making it a point to show and understand the other siblings: Mr. Gantt, who is a singer, if there is a show, his sisters are the audience. When Ms. LeAnn held a recent celebration to mark her eight-year anniversary of surviving a life-threatening blood clot, her brother was there.
“I think we’ve really found each other again,” Mr. Gantt said. “We fell in love again as siblings.”
Ms. LeAnn credits their “ability to grow and love each other as individuals, and not just as blood relatives” with helping them become “great friends.”
That willingness to watch and embrace a sibling’s growth is important, he said Nedra Glover Tawabis a therapist based in Charlotte, NC and author of “Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships.”
“Sometimes you have a version that they remember,” Ms Tawab said. For example, an older sibling may think of a younger sibling as a “child” – even if that child is 60 years old. “You have to allow people to evolve and not treat them like you’ve always treated them,” he said.
To better understand who your sibling is, Whitney Goodman, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Miami, suggests asking the question periodically: “What are you doing right now?” and “What’s going on in your life that I don’t know about?”
“I like that people come back to themselves and think: how much have I changed, how much have I grown? And how do I want my brother to see me?” Miss Goodman Dr. Then consider: “How can I extend the same grace to them?”
Be aware of how your parents influence your mobility.
All therapists interviewed for this story noted that no matter how loving parents are, they can complicate the sibling bond. Dr. Greif says it can help to ask yourself: “Am I being ‘triangulated’ with my siblings and my mother or father?” By which he means: Have you fallen into a pattern of communication with your parent or parents that is shaping your feelings about your siblings, even though it’s nobody’s intention?
To avoid such interference, experts say you can establish a general rule: When you talk to or spend time with your parents, you don’t talk about your siblings — especially if the conversation takes the form of gossip.
You may want to explore whether perceived parental bias is affecting your relationship with a sibling. Offer survey data 40 percent are American They seem like their parents’ favorite children, and research shows this may be the case Barriers to sibling intimacy.
“In research, parental bias is one of the biggest influences on how sibling relationships work, especially in childhood,” Ms Goodman said. “That’s the most limited resource, isn’t it? Parental attention. And siblings can afford it at a very young age.”
Families shouldn’t be ashamed to discuss parental biases, Ms. Goodman said, though she admits those conversations are easier said than done. Adult siblings can benefit from attending therapy together (with or without their parents), even if it’s to deal with issues that happened years ago, she said.
Dr. Kramer agrees that having such direct conversations can help “repair years of resentment” between siblings, “if people are willing to talk about these kinds of things and be honest with their perceptions — and be gentle with each other.”
Make time to enjoy each other’s company.
Growing up, Ken LoCicero, 54, and Ricky LoCicero, 58, were best friends and roommates. As young adults, they found a tough way to spend time together: They ran 50 marathons together in 50 states, a pursuit that spanned more than 20 years.
This can be an extreme example of making time for each other. But, Ms. Goodman says, siblings sometimes lose sight of the fact that their relationship, like any other, needs attention and care. “We often expect family relationships just because someone is related to us, but it doesn’t work that way,” she said.
Siblings should find ways to have fun together, says Laurie Kramer, a professor of applied psychology at Northeastern University who runs a program that teaches young siblings coping strategies. “It’s really hard when all of your interactions are about one of your problems” or when you’re arguing about how to take care of a parent’s needs, she said. “Find moments where you can really enjoy each other.”
Sometimes, spending a few minutes reminiscing and taking old photos is enough, Dr. Kramer added.
The LoCicero brothers enjoyed race days and how they were often able to bring their wives and children and make a weekend out of it. But they enjoyed the hours they spent training and planning together. Sometimes they run in silence. Other times, they talked about work, marriage and children. (The LoCiceros also have a sister with whom they are good friends and a brother who died of pancreatic cancer 15 years ago, a painful loss that brought them even closer.)
Even though their 50-marathon quest is over, the brothers still talk on the phone or see each other every few days and are only seven miles apart. “Kenny, I know, is always available, accessible, willing to listen,” Rickey said. And he believes that nothing can change this bond.
“With Ricky, there’s nothing I won’t say out loud,” Ken echoed. Knowing how committed her brother is to their relationship and experiencing how honest and vulnerable they can be with each other, she said, “is a gift.”
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